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Dream Your Way To Parental Control

By Bob Lancer
Thursday, June 16th, 2011

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To improve your parental control, improve your dream control.

parental control

Enjoy increasing parental control and less parent-child conflict

Envisioning yourself in-charge, with love, and without anger and stress, helps you to achieve more parental control.

To apply this empowering parent-wisdom, think about a situation in which you find your parental control challenged by your child’s behavior.

Perhaps it happens at bedtime when your child suddenly refuses to cooperate, and you find yourself repeating directions several times, until you finally lose your patience.

Now, imagine that scene happening, but this time, imagine yourself demonstrating your ideal form of parental control.

Envision yourself feeling perfectly calm, content,
confident and in control.

Envision the entire scene flowing smoothly,
with love, ease and fulfillment.

Often, when parents feel frustrated by their child’s behavior, they repeatedly remember the difficult scenarios, envisioning their stressful, frustrating experience of lacking parental control.

But improving your control in your relationship with children begins with improving your control of yourself, and that begins with taking control of your dreams – of the imaginary visions that you focus on in your mind.

When a parent worries about future lapses of parental control,
or painfully recalls past episodes of previous “child behavior
chaos”, the parent allows negative dreaming
to rule his or her mind.

Practice the following to dream your way to improved parental control:
1. Pay attention to your thinking to recognize when you are envisioning disturbing parent-child experiences.
2. When you notice this happening, shift the focus of your thinking into envisioning that scene as you would love it to be

Your experiences with your child will gradually reflect your positive visions
of delightful parent-child scenarios more and more.

To further improve your interactions with your child, ask your child to spend time dreaming or envisioning himself or herself behaving beautifully.

Children often want to behave better than they do, but because of tiredness, habits, or other influences, they find self-control just too difficult.

By teaching your child about the positive power of directed dreaming or envisioning, you empower your child to lead a more successful life.

Guiding your child into envisioning the positive behavior you want helps you to enjoy increasing parental control and less parent-child conflict.

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Forgiveness & Child Development

By Bob Lancer
Monday, June 6th, 2011

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Teaching children about the healing powers of forgiveness is an important aspect of child development.

Child development

Forgiveness is the foundation for positive child development

But it is also quite challenging.  Without realizing it, parents teach their children about withholding forgiveness when they carry and convey a resentful attitude toward them.

The Child Development Process
Is Not Always Positive.

Through our own, sometimes unconscious, patterns, we may develop negative traits and tendencies in our children.

The fact is that you cannot really improve your child’s behavior before you truly forgive your child for the misbehavior that you want to change.

Forgiveness Is The Basis For Supporting
Positive Child Development.

Holding onto resentment holds onto a form of toxic, unhealthy stress at a deep level, which compromises healthy organic functioning to some degree.  High blood pressure, migraine headaches and even heart problems can be linked to anger patterns.

As we learn how to dissolve our resentments, we also dissolve the barriers to optimum health that they induce.

Modeling Represents The Most Potent Way Of Influencing
Child Development And Child Behavior.

Parents automatically instill an unhealthy pattern in their children by holding onto resentment.

Forgiveness is our natural, healthy and healing state.  You don’t have to create forgiveness. You simply need to unblock it by releasing yourself from resentment.

As long as you feel resentment toward your child, your child lacks real trust in you, and then the child’s insecure emotional condition develops into problematic behavior.

As You Release Yourself From Resentment, You Release Positive
Child Development Through Healthy Modeling And Love.

When the child senses that your heart is clear, open and loving, a harmonizing influence enters and spreads throughout the child’s nervous system, promoting optimum organic health and healing.

Here is how to dissolve resentment for the sake of positive child development:

1.      Notice what you are thinking about when you feel resentment.

2.      The instant you notice the thought that keeps you feeling resentful, let that thought go by focusing your attention elsewhere

Releasing the healing powers of forgiveness for positive child development is a simple matter of releasing yourself from the resentful thinking that blocks love’s flow.

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Parenting Children Without Overwhelm

By Bob Lancer
Tuesday, May 17th, 2011

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Parenting children without overwhelm IS possible. Understanding the cause and cost of parenting children with overwhelm begins to set you free.

Parenting children

Parenting children without overwhelm IS possible

You are NOT overwhelmed by the typical daily demands of raising children.

Overwhelm is a state that you place yourself in by straining yourself to meet life’s demands.

Overwhelm Is Not Only Painful.
It Is Counter-Productive.

You enter overwhelm in parenting children by overtaxing yourself. An unbalanced mode of parenting is the real cause of parent fatigue, burn-out, and impatience.

When you feel overwhelmed you react from frustration, instead of responding from inspiration. This blocks your ability to recognize what your child really needs from you to behave well, to feel good, and to develop into his/her great potential.

Parenting Children Responsibly Does Not Demand Overwhelm.

It Demands That We Maintain Our Balance And Avoid
Slipping Into Modes Of Stress And Strain.

If you regard your child as the cause of your stress and strain, or blame your overwhelm on all the rest of your responsibilities, you blind yourself to your freedom, power and responsibility to improve the way that function.

The Measure Of Difficulty Of Parenting Children
Depends Upon How You Approach It.

Your feelings are signs that point you in the direction of healthy, balanced living.

If you hold onto the belief that being responsible means driving yourself so hard that you feel unhappy, frustrated, burned out, your belief, not your children or your responsibilities, prevents you from parenting children less stressfully.

To access your own best judgment, creativity and problem-solving ability, you need to feel basically calm, relaxed, well-rested, and inspired.

To free yourself of parenting children in a state of overwhelm:

  1. Pay more attention to how you feel throughout the day
  2. The instant you feel stress and strain setting in, stop trying to control the situation or your children. Ease up on yourself.
  3. Practice maintaining your unstrained composure as you fulfill your daily responsibilities.

As you apply these three simple steps consistently and persistently, you will enjoy parenting children with less and less overwhelm, and more and more love, joy, AND success.

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Children’s Feelings And Behavior Problems

By Bob Lancer
Wednesday, February 16th, 2011

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Child behavior problems don’t just happen. They can always be attributed to causes.

What we label “behavior problems” are behaviors that lead the child into difficulty, and/or which we simply find it difficult to deal with.

The “difficult” infant may be trying to us simply because we find the natural, instinctive ways of an infant hard for us to handle.

How we respond to a child’s behavior influences the child’s future behavior

Our lack of patience, understanding, and child-relationship skills may be the cause

We can create behavior problems by misreading what the child actually needs from us to develop more caring, orderly, responsible behavior.

How we respond to a child’s behavior influences
the child’s future behavior.

One way to avoid creating behavior problems or making them worse is to practice reading your child’s feelings.  This requires observing the child calmly and perceptively to sense the emotion expressing through the child’s face, gestures, movements, sounds and words.

If you repeatedly, harshly hurt a child’s feelings, deepening the child’s sadness and distrust in you, the child is bound to demonstrate increasingly challenging behavior problems. From the standpoint of child behavior, it doesn’t matter if you do this unintentionally.

For children to behave well they need
to feel basically secure.

One common cause of overlooking a child’s feelings is over-relying on words to understand the child.  Even with the most verbally skillful adults, 75% of communication occurs on a non-verbal level.  To adequately relate with anyone we need to look and listen for the non-verbal cues of the individual’s present emotional condition.

Another cause of overlooking a child’s feelings has to do with our automatic reactions to the child’s behavior.

Automatic reactions miss the signs that
convey what the child needs.

When a child defies our direction, does the opposite of what she knows we expect, creates a mess or confronts us with any other challenge, to avoid causing more severe behavior problems, we need to base our response on how the child is feeling.

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Child Discipline Alternative To Saying “No”

By Bob Lancer
Wednesday, February 9th, 2011

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Frustration and child discipline do not mix well

For easier child discipline, try telling your child HOW or WHEN she CAN do what she wants, instead of bluntly clashing against her will.

When it comes to child discipline, “no” does not always seem to work.

One reason for this is the natural, human tendency to go into denial.  When your child wants to do something, and you say “no”, a part of him that does not want to hear that, causing him to, perhaps unconsciously, pretend you did not say it.

But even when you have your child’s full attention, the word “no” may still not work well for you.  One reason for this is that it simply presents opposition, which will likely frustrate your child, and frustration and child discipline do not mix well.

One effective child discipline alternative to saying “no” is to redirect instead of merely to block.

Rather then simply saying “no” let your child know
what he CAN do instead.

For instance, if your child asks for a cookie, you might say, “You can have a cookie after you eat all of your lunch later.”

If your child wants to play outside, but it’s too dark out for you to allow it, instead of saying “no” you might say, “You can play outside only when it is light enough to be safe.”

If your child snatches something from her younger sister, instead of simply barking out, “no!” you might say, “You can play with that when she is done.”

By letting your child know what he CAN do, you diminish his natural resistance to opposition.

While it requires a bit more patience and self-control to replace your automatic “no” with a reasonable, positive response, it saves you the strain of a power-struggle.  It also helps your child to remain more calm and rational because children feel how we feel while we are with them.

For easier child discipline, try telling your child HOW or WHEN she CAN
do what she wants, instead of bluntly clashing against her will.

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Positive Parental Involvement

By Bob Lancer
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011

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A sufficient quantity and quality of parental involvement is essential for a child’s healthy attitude and positive behavior.

A common cause of a child’s emotional and behavior problems stems from one or more of the following parental patterns:

  • The parent spends too little time with the child
  • The parent pays too little attention to the child
  • The quality of time spent with the child is marred by parental stress and strain

To even know how much time your child needs with you, you need to pay close enough attention to your child.

Positive parental involvement means that you are consciously present

Positive parental involvement means that you are consciously present, focused and sensitively aware of your child in the now


Perhaps a main reason why parents fall short in this area is because they don’t fully understand what it means to really spend time with a child.  Simply being in the same general area with a child does not constitute true parental involvement.

Positive parental involvement means that you are consciously present, focused and sensitively aware of your child in the now.  You are reading your child’s body language, voice tones and verbal communication (if your child is at a verbal stage) to recognize your child’s needs so you can respond accordingly.

Paying insufficient attention to a child allows the child to drift too far into troublesome emotional states and inappropriate behavior. The parent then involves himself with the child when the child’s behavior has become too outrageous to overlook, and then the involvement is characterized by harsh expressions of disapproval that sadden and antagonize the child, inciting even more problematic behavior.

Positive Parental Involvement Is More Pro-Active Than Reactive.

The parent observes the child before she drifts into trouble in order to recognize what the child needs to avoid emotional and behavior problems.

Positive parental involvement includes the parent’s ongoing dedication to the practice of the best possible self-control to avoid spoiling the quality of parental involvement with excessively critical, annoyed reactions that harm the parent-child relationship, make parenting more of a strain than it needs to be, and inevitably leads the child into more disturbing behavior.

As you bring positive parental involvement into your relationship with your child,
you and your child will both feel better and do better.

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Love And Child Development

By Bob Lancer
Tuesday, January 4th, 2011

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Healthy child development

Healthy child development depends on love and understanding

All sane parents want child development for their children. We want our children to be the most competent, successful human beings possible. That desire for our children expresses our love for them.  Or does it?

Sometimes a parent may want a child to shine to satisfy the parent’s desire to shine.

A parent who wants his child to perform at a high level may be unconscious of the self-serving nature of that motivation.

Here are some common signs of this selfish motivation for child development:

•       The parent demonstrates pushiness to advance the child’s performance in any area, including school, sports, musical training, etc.

•       The parent’ expresses impatience, frustration, criticism or complaining when the child’s performance level is lower than expected or desired.

Basically, when a parent treats a child’s performance level as more important than how the child feels about himself, his relationship with his parents, and his life the parent is making the child’s
performance too important.

A child may push himself to achieve at high levels under the pressure of insecurity, but the toll that takes can prove dangerous.  The overly pressured child tends to:

•       Experience unhealthy levels of anxiety

•       Experience dangerous levels of self-loathing when her performance disappoints

•       Fall prone to drug or alcohol abuse at an early age as a means of escaping the painful sense of pressure

•       Fall for the temptation to use underhanded ways to appear more successful, like cheating

•       Feel a deep sense of emptiness no matter how much she accomplishes

•       Become overly dependent upon winning others’ approval, to the extent that he makes choices aimed at pleasing everyone but himself

•       Never feel worthy enough for love to enjoy a genuine, loving relationship, and thus suffer from a deep sense of loneliness.

Ironically, for child development, children need to feel secure about their parents’ unconditional love.

Being sensitive to your child’s deeper feelings
is essential for healthy child development.

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A Root Of Behavior Problems

By Bob Lancer
Wednesday, September 8th, 2010

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Child behavior problems often stem from the way that a parent attempts to lead, direct or control the child.

When a parent directs a child to, say, pick up after himself, if it is to support the child’s development of a natural, easy tendency to demonstrate responsible self-discipline, a healthy sense of order and a sturdy foundation of self-reliance, it still may require some coaxing. But the child is more prone to cooperate because the direction is consistent with the child’s natural instinct to survive and thrive in the world.

Child behavior problems

Behavior problems hamper child development

Just being aware of the developmental benefits
that you are attempting to impart to your child
will make guiding your child’s behavior easier.

Child behavior problems fester when the parent’s intention is to control the child for the sake of the parent’s personal satisfaction, without regard for the child’s developmental interests. When parents enforce obedience for the sake of obedience, they develop in the child a blindness or a numbness to the child’s inner sense of life-wisdom. This causes the child to feel lost, confused and out of control, prompting increasingly serious behavior problems.

Your child is naturally programmed to succeed in life, but how you relate with your child may either support or thwart this programming. The appropriate goal of child discipline is not to make the child blindly obedient to the authority of the parent, but to help the child cultivate, recognize and heed the authority of his or her own inner sense of responsibility for healthy, happy success in life.

Nature programs children to diligently pursue the development of the strengths, skills and knowledge they need to succeed. The parent’s role is to facilitate this natural programming in the best interest of the child. The more consistently a parent does this, the more the child’s behavior problems dissolve into demonstrations of beautiful cooperation and personal responsibility.

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Your Child Development Discipline Solution

By Bob Lancer
Wednesday, September 8th, 2010

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Develop your child’s greatest potential

Child development urge drives your child

Within your child exists a natural pattern of child development. Like the growth pattern in the seed of every flower and plant, in your child’s core exists a growth pattern for the blossoming of your child’s greatest potential, not just to survive but to beautifully thrive in the world.

This pattern causes children to naturally crave the guidance and direction that helps them develop the abilities and strengths they will need to “make it” in the world.

Just as nature drives flowers and plants to fulfill their glorious potential, the child development urge drives your child, from deep within, to fulfill his glorious potential. (This may in fact be the child’s most powerful motivating force, for it is a natural expression of life.)

To the extent that we thwart or oppose this child development urge, we stifle the child’s motivation to survive and thrive and may even turn that urge into a self-destructive force.

The more your attempts at directing your child’s behavior align with your child’s real developmental needs, the more willingly your child will cooperate and the more your child will make responsible choices on her own.

But when we attempt to control or direct a child to satisfy our own personal desires, irrespective of what the child actually needs to develop for healthy, happy life-success, we reverse the child’s drive to develop turn it into the drive to defy and rebel.

Ignoring or not being sufficiently tuned in to the child’s development creates behavior problems and parenting frustrations. To the extent that your direction and correction work with a child’s healthy development, the child “listens” extremely well.

So the next time that you are about to issue a direction or correction, first consider if it is really about child development or if it is just about pleasing yourself.

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Improve Your Child’s Behavior Through Awareness

By Bob Lancer
Sunday, August 29th, 2010

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Any anger that you exhibit in response to your child’s behavior works against you and against your child.

To find this out for yourself, closely observe how your child responds, in subtle and obvious ways, to your expressions of anger, frustration, impatience, annoyance and exasperation.

You will soon observe, through your child’s facial expressions, body language, and through your child’s behavior, that your angry reactions lower your child’s self-esteem and self-confidence and causes your child’s behavior to worsen.

Also notice how your angry reactions to your child’s behavior impact you. You will find that they drain you of energy, lower your morale, make parenting unpleasant (if not torturous at times), and makes you more irritable and less effective in every other area of your life, including marriage. If you react with anger on a routine basis you will also see that it negatively impacts your health.

Anger creates behavior problems

Irresponsible angry responses can lead to behavior problems

Once you recognize that your reaction is not working, you can change it. But changing your behavior requires that you first take total responsibility for it. As long as you blame your child, or your child’s behavior, for the way that you behave, you continue giving your child the power to make you react.

As long as you believe that you have no choice but to react in the same old way to the same old problems, your belief keeps you trapped in those old reactions, and those old reactions keep re-creating the same old problems.

Improving your response to your child’s behavior begins with taking total responsibility for your responses and maintaining the open-minded attitude that you can always find a better way.

To begin improving the quality of your experience and your results in parenting, reject any belief that tells you that you cannot change, or that you need your child’s behavior to change before you can change what you do and how you feel about your child’s behavior.

So the most important key is to be aware in the now. You have to notice what you are doing, how you are feeling, and even what you are believing in the present moment to make better choices for better results.

As you become more aware of how you are responding to your child’s behavior, and to the results of those responses, you will find ways to improve your child’s behavior and your parenting experiences.

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