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Recapture Love In Your Relationships

By Bob Lancer
Thursday, January 27th, 2011

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Love leaves relationships when we leave love. Love leaves relationships when we overlook how we leave love.

 We leave love by holding onto ideas of our partner and of our relationship
that close our heart with a wall of fear.

 Clinging to ideas about what others have done or may do that disturbs you locks you into threatening visions that remove your love from relationships.

 Your mind then relates with the vision as the reality and begins relating with the other as an enemy, in a state of unhappy conflict.

This, in turn, causes the other to feel insecure and become defensive. Then both parties leave love and hide their hearts behind protective barriers of fear.

Conflict in love relationships

Insecurity steals our love from relationships and it often hides behind critical reactions of annoyance, impatience, frustration and rage.

 In a long term relationship, critically, fearfully thinking about our partner
can become a deeply and strongly rooted habit.

 When you take responsibility for your critical, insecure thought and feeling patterns you can begin to let them go. Gradually, you can withdraw your energy from the habitual fear-patterns that would otherwise withdraw your love from relationships.

 As you do this you will discover that love is a safe “place” to be.

 But the insecurity that steals our love from relationships is not always obvious.  It hides behind critical reactions of annoyance, impatience, frustration and rage. 

 The more anger one lives in, the more insecure one feels.

 Fear is why we can only change our angry, critical patterns gradually. We are afraid to let go, afraid to open our hearts. The key to returning love to our relationships is to take tiny “baby†steps toward liberation.

Each time that you engage, or re-engage, in a critical, angry emotional reaction you feed your fear-to-love-habit and it grows stronger. 

Every moment that you release yourself from the habit by letting go of the critical thought and feeling that expresses it, the habit weakens and sets your love free.

Though this practice, you will soon find yourself more quickly recognizing when you are leaving love in your relationships, and more quickly and easily let that love-blockage go.

Gradually free yourself from your heart-departures by GENTLY withdrawing small degrees of energy from that reaction.  You can do this by:

  • Speaking a little softer,
  • Releasing some of your tension
  • Taking a breath to calm yourself just a bit
  • Letting go of the critical thought that triggers your rejection of love.

 Each time you do this, the grip of insecurity weakens, releasing more energy for love to return and grow in your relationships.

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Don’t Be Misled By Success Secrets

By Bob Lancer
Monday, January 24th, 2011

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Free your mind from negative to think positive

Switching from negative to positive thinking is not as effortless as it might seem.

One danger of the success secrets movement is that it often makes success sound too easy.   Then, when things don’t change that easily, individuals may feel so disappointed that they give up trying to improve their circumstances.

While it’s true, for instance, that visualizing what you want draws it to you, and holding onto a thought about what you do NOT want brings more of that into your life, switching from negative to positive thinking is not as effortless as it might seem.

How we think is habitual, and we can change long-standing habits by only small degrees at a time. Making major change requires long-term discipline. 

The success secrets movement also often misleads by overlooking the crucial practice of self-awareness.  So much of a person’s negative thinking goes on UNCONSCIOUSLY, and one cannot change what one is not aware of.

 Until one becomes sufficiently self-aware, one confuses troubling thoughts about life, self, others and situations with the reality those thoughts represent. And this makes one’s problems seem inescapable.

 Whatever you think is just a mental projection.

The longer you hold onto a disturbing mental projection, the more powerful and dominating
you make it.

 Another way that success secrets often mislead is by overlooking the critical, causal relationship between thought and emotion. For example, when you feel angry, thinking fixates on what makes you angry. When desire is triggered, thoughts fixate on what you want to be true, blinding you to costs and dangers.

Practice being aware of your thinking, emotion, mood, attitude and desire in the present.  This will help you to avoid fixating, and thereby empowering the negative thinking that produces what you do NOT want in your life.

 You CAN apply success secrets to soar into the highest levels of accomplishment you can imagine by practicing more self-awareness and remaining committed for the long-term.

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End The Exhaustion Of Parenting Your Children

By Bob Lancer
Monday, January 24th, 2011

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Parenting our children is exhausting. But have you ever paused to consider what makes it so exhausting?

 We usually presume that what makes parenting children so taxing is how our children behave.  And there is no doubt that managing child behavior presents one of life’s most difficult challenges.

As long as we regard our children’s behavior as the cause of our strain and drain, however, we make ourselves overly dependent upon our children and give up our power to improve our time with them.

 How you expend your energy, and how much of your energy that you expend, is as much up to you as how you spend your money. 
After all, it’s your energy, and what you do with
it is your responsibility.

Accepting responsibility for exhausting yourself through the ways that you manage child behavior is the first step for better managing of your energy in parenting.  Our children are not responsible for how we exhaust ourselves through the ways that we interact with them.

parenting children

Our children are not responsible for how we exhaust ourselves through the ways that we interact with them.

 The next step to ending the exhaustion of parenting is to understand how you spend your energy. You expend energy with every:

  •  thought you think
  • emotional reaction you engage in
  • word you speak
  • action you take. 

The more intense your actions and reactions, the more energy you expend.

Also, the more discordant, disturbed or distressing your emotional state, and the more you rush, the more energy you burn and the more quickly you burn it.

By practicing parenting in a more calm and conscious mode, paying closer attention to your own actions and reactions in the present,
you will become more selective and less wasteful
in your energy expenditures.

You will therefore be able to gradually find ways of functioning more efficiently (in terms of your energy), and suffer less drain and strain in parenting your children as a result.

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5 Mantras Of Positive Thinking

By noahbrown
Friday, January 21st, 2011

If you are constantly blaming others for everything wrong in your personal and professional life, if you are feeling low and depressed for a long period of time, if you don’t look forward to anything; then it is time to take a hard look at your own attitude and make a conscious effort towards changing it.

negative thoughts

Negative thinking drains the joy out of everything you do

Negative attitude stems from negative thoughts and it can be very harmful if this habit is continued for a long period of time. Negative thinking drains the joy out of everything you do. The same job, which may seem drab and dreary to you if you are thinking negative, will turn satisfying and encouraging if you look upon it as an opportunity for doing something or learning something new. Here are 5 mantras to help you develop the habit of positive thinking:

Seek the company of positive people

The first and the easiest thing that you can do to develop positing thinking is to spend time with the people who think positive. Just as a smile elicits a reciprocal smile, positive thinking too is contagious. People who look up the brighter side of life even in the midst of odds, make other around them think positive about themselves.

If you stay with negative people they will only push you into more negativity. Instead try and always surround yourself with helpful, strong, confident people who encourage you and help you see things in a positive way.

Speak and think positive words

Whether you are thinking or conversing with others, always use positive words. Instead of saying ‘I can’t', say words such as ‘I can’, ‘It is possible’, ‘I am able’ and so on. While conversing, use words that evoke feelings of joy, strength and success. Whenever you feel like giving up, repeat it to yourself that you can do it. You will be amazed to find how much strength you can draw from your positive thoughts.

However thinking or repeating positive words for a few minutes in a day is not enough. You have to consciously make it your habit to always use positive words and refrain from anything negative.

Control your thoughts

Negative thoughts can sometimes come flooding in and drown you in negativity. They are not easily swept away either. You have to work towards turning your negative thinking into positive thoughts. Whenever a negative thought begins to develop in your mind, dump it and instead substitute the depressing, doubtful thoughts with good, confident thoughts. Don’t let your emotions rule you. Instead you rule your mind and thoughts.

Change your lifestyle

Exercise regularly and eat good, healthy food. All these things will also make you feel and think good. Watch a good movie which makes you feel happy. Enroll yourself in dance or music classes, learn swimming, read good books and do things that make you feel good. Cook something special if cooking is something that makes you happy.

Moreover, bring about a little change in your home as well. De-clutter your surroundings. Dump all the unnecessary things which you don’t need anymore into the trash bin. Clean up the house and rearrange things, such as shifting the furniture around or reorganizing the closet. And surround yourself with beautiful things such as a photo frame of your family, colorful potted plants or flowers, and whatever you like.

Watch motivational videos

In addition, watch some motivational videos which inspire you to think positive. There are various websites which boast of an impressive collection of inspirational quotes and video messages which offer success secrets of brightest of minds . In fact, make it a point to daily watch a motivational video which inspire you to face life’s challenges powerfully, assist in your personal development and encourage you to stay positive always.

You can even become a member of Wisie.com and receive daily inspirational videos on positive thinking, relationship advice, parenting advice and success secrets. Inspirational videos with the motivational messages will keep you motivated towards your intents and help you realize your dreams.

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Relationship Advice: Cultivate Non-Reactivity

By Bob Lancer
Tuesday, January 18th, 2011

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Among the most important pieces of relationship advice that one can find helps one to recognize and release from distressing automatic reactivity.

When you react with any form of irritation, you give yourself a stressful experience. But if you are not self-aware enough, you will presume the other person causes your reaction and resent that person for how disturbed your reaction makes you feel. Resentment then drives you into conflict, which increases your feeling of disturbance.

As long as you regard others as responsible for your responses,
you deprive yourself of your power to improve your responses
and miss your opportunity for more success and satisfaction in relationships.

relationship advice for genuine liberation

When you react with any form of irritation, you give yourself a stressful experience

If you feel stuck in a relationship problem, the perspective of the relationship advice presented here makes the cause clear:

•       You are repeating a painful a reaction pattern

•       You are blaming the other person for your reaction

Cultivating non-reactivity is one great solution. Following this relationship advice does not mean repressing how you feel. It means attaining genuine liberation from the painful reaction-patterns that make relationships difficult.

As you liberate more and more of your energy from your old, painful reactions you will no longer feel stuck in a relationship problem.

To cultivate non-reactivity and achieve your liberation:

•       See your reactions as experiences you give to yourself.

•       Practice being more self-aware in the present to recognize when you are slipping into a stressful, disturbing reaction.

•       When you realize that you are experiencing an unpleasant reaction, focus your attention on your present experience of that reaction, without thinking of any person or situation as the cause.

•       From that state of self-awareness you will find that you can gradually withdraw your energy from your disturbed reaction and experience more peace.

Following this relationship advice will gradually free you from the suffering caused by stressful reactivity.

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The Non-Reactive Way To Success

By Bob Lancer
Monday, January 17th, 2011

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Learn to control your reactions

Your key to success is to align your response with what you want to accomplish

The non-reactive way to success is the most direct way to success.

When you react, you are being triggered off into a way that diverts your course away from your true goals.  In fact, the more reactive one is, the less successful and satisfied that individual must feel.

To the extent that you feel dissatisfied, unsuccessful or stuck, you are experiencing the results of reactivity.  The way out of failure and the way to more success, is through NON-reactivity.

When you react your response are not based on clear and
accurate perception of your situation.

The opposite of reacting is calmly and patiently considering your situation in order to come up with a response that aligns with what you really want to accomplish – your way to success.

Under the influence of an automatic, habitual, emotional reaction we lose touch with our deeper self.  We lash out, sink into despair, or waste energy in other ways.

When you react, you recreate the same old problems because you are living in the same old way.

Instead of reacting, be responsive by choosing what you say, think, feel
and do in line with what you want to create in your life.

Only when you feel calm can you:

  1. Sense the deeper goals you most deeply desire to achieve
  2. Accurately perceive what is happening
  3. Realize how to think, feel, speak and act here and now for the results you really want.

A reaction is a trigger-response based on hasty observation,
superficial judgment and poor reasoning.

Reacting re-creates what you do not want. Create more of what you do want by responding.

Shift from reacting to responding through the practice of being more self-aware in the present.  As you notice yourself falling into a reaction pattern can you begin withdrawing your energy from it, leaving you with more energy to invest in more conscious, constructive responses. This is your way to more success.

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Positive Discipline Through Non-Reactive Parenting

By Bob Lancer
Monday, January 17th, 2011

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Positive discipline

Exercise self control to ensure positive discipline when parenting children

Positive discipline leads a child into a positive attitude and responsible behavior.

We can define negative child discipline as disciplinary efforts that may or may not stifle the child’s disturbing behavior for the moment, but does in fact lead the child into a more negative attitude and more irresponsible self-conduct.

No parent wants to mislead her child through negative discipline, but not understanding what it takes to achieve positive discipline leads to that sad result.

Essentially, the difference between negative and positive discipline comes down to the level of a parent’s self-control.  The greater your self-control, the better you are at positive discipline.

The specific form of self-control needed for positive discipline can be described as non-reactive parenting.  To apply non-reactive parenting means that your responses to your child’s behavior are not run by your habitual emotional reaction-patterns. Instead, before reacting:

  1. You recognize the need your child’s behavior is expressing
  2. Then you consciously and intentionally respond in line with that need for the results you really want.

When you react to your child’s behavior your child has “pressed one of your buttons”. Instead of basing your response on a clear and accurate sense of what your child really needs, you “lose it” and either lash out (if you feel angry) or you may jump into excessive subservience or giving in.

A reaction is a trigger-response and not a reliable way of directing events in line with your objectives.

Non-reactive parenting means that you refrain from responding until you have a clear sense of what your child really needs and what you want your response to accomplish. This practice is central to positive discipline.

The more that you react to your child’s behavior, you more you are bound to experience a growing sense of powerlessness, futility, and perhaps even inadequacy.  This is because reaction-parenting is like driving a car at top speed while you are blindfolded.  You have the potential to see where you are going, but you are not accessing it.

To free yourself (and your child) from the negative consequences of reactive parenting:

Parenting children with positive discipline

One thumb rule of positive non-reactive parenting is to understand what your child really needs

  1. Notice when you react to your child in an automatic, thoughtless, habitual way.
  2. When you notice that happening, step back from the reaction, figuratively speaking, to more calmly and patiently consider your child’s needs in the present.
  3. As you sense what your child actually needs from you in the present for healthy, happy, responsible behavior, act upon that.

For instance, when your child lies, your instant reaction-impulse might want you to scold him. But more calmly, patiently observing your child might reveal to you that he is simply demonstrating his creativity and needs a more compassionate response from you to avoid shutting down that marvelous ability.

As you shift out of reaction-parenting you will find your way
into more positive discipline for more success and satisfaction
in your relationship with your child.

Receive your FREE Parenting Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

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Improve Child Behavior With Peace

By Bob Lancer
Tuesday, January 11th, 2011

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Perhaps the most common and easiest mistake to make in how we respond to child behavior is attempting to correct with a stressful, impatient reaction.

While blurting out a direction in stress seems instinctive, there is a far more effective way of leading child behavior.  And though it requires overcoming our first instinct and replacing it with a more conscious and intentional response, it IS possible and it proves far healthier for both parent and child.

For more success and fulfillment with your child,
practice disciplining with peace.

Peace works best for several reasons:

1.      As you maintain your peace and poise when you feel tempted to lose it, you model a higher level of self-control for your child.

Deal patiently with child behavior

Keep your calm when dealing with child behavior problems

2.      As you maintain your calm, you radiate a calming influence upon your child (and calm promotes thoughtful, responsible, and compassionate child behavior)

3.      Your peace and poise provides you with access to your finest judgment, so that you can choose a response that best matches your child’s needs for healthy, happy, wonderful behavior.

4.      Maintaining your peace and poise is far more satisfying than putting yourself through the painful strain of frustration and impatience.

5.      Maintaining your peace and poise conserves your energy, energy that would be quickly drained by an intense emotional reaction (and you when you feel drained your ability to make the best decisions and demonstrate your highest level of skill in ANY area – including parenting – is compromised; which means your level of results must be lower)

Disciplining with peace does not mean passiveness.  It means practicing staying calm while you take whatever actions seem appropriate to you.  The more you practice disciplining with peace, the stronger will grow you ability, the happier and calmer both you and your child will feel, and the more marvelous child behavior you will see.

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A Creative Key To Success

By Bob Lancer
Monday, January 10th, 2011

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Perhaps the greatest key to success is realizing that you are a creator. You create your destiny through what you think, feel, say and do.

Key to success

Key to success is realizing that you are a creator

Therefore, carefully choose your responses to what happens, instead of blindly reacting, because how you respond to what happens determines what will happen to you. This applies to every area of your life, including your economy.

You are the creator of your economic destiny. If you listen to news reports, or the complaints of others, you may become confused about this.

Don’t let anyone talk you into discouragement. In any economy there are opportunities. There are those who prosper greatly. You can be one of them.

To apply the great creative key to success presented here, remember this: The more economical you are with the creative power of your thoughts, feeling, speech, action and attention, the more economically successful you are bound to be.

Consciously and intentionally direct your thinking, feeling, speaking and acting in line with the economic results you want. Notice what you are paying attention to, because your life follows the direction of your attention.

Worrying about your economic fate is one of the most common ways of misusing your creative power to direct our own economy.

If you worry about a situation that means that you want a certain outcome but you fear that it may not happen.

Yet worrying focuses your thoughts on where you do not want to go, and it generates feelings that create more havoc in your life.

And the more you worry, the more you develop a worry habit, meaning that whatever happens, you are going to be more likely to worry about what may happen.

A Creative Key to Success: For more of what you want tomorrow,
begin letting go of your worry habit today.

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Love And Child Development

By Bob Lancer
Tuesday, January 4th, 2011

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Healthy child development

Healthy child development depends on love and understanding

All sane parents want child development for their children. We want our children to be the most competent, successful human beings possible. That desire for our children expresses our love for them.  Or does it?

Sometimes a parent may want a child to shine to satisfy the parent’s desire to shine.

A parent who wants his child to perform at a high level may be unconscious of the self-serving nature of that motivation.

Here are some common signs of this selfish motivation for child development:

•       The parent demonstrates pushiness to advance the child’s performance in any area, including school, sports, musical training, etc.

•       The parent’ expresses impatience, frustration, criticism or complaining when the child’s performance level is lower than expected or desired.

Basically, when a parent treats a child’s performance level as more important than how the child feels about himself, his relationship with his parents, and his life the parent is making the child’s
performance too important.

A child may push himself to achieve at high levels under the pressure of insecurity, but the toll that takes can prove dangerous.  The overly pressured child tends to:

•       Experience unhealthy levels of anxiety

•       Experience dangerous levels of self-loathing when her performance disappoints

•       Fall prone to drug or alcohol abuse at an early age as a means of escaping the painful sense of pressure

•       Fall for the temptation to use underhanded ways to appear more successful, like cheating

•       Feel a deep sense of emptiness no matter how much she accomplishes

•       Become overly dependent upon winning others’ approval, to the extent that he makes choices aimed at pleasing everyone but himself

•       Never feel worthy enough for love to enjoy a genuine, loving relationship, and thus suffer from a deep sense of loneliness.

Ironically, for child development, children need to feel secure about their parents’ unconditional love.

Being sensitive to your child’s deeper feelings
is essential for healthy child development.

Receive your FREE Parenting Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

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