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Recapture Love In Your Relationships

By Bob Lancer
Thursday, January 27th, 2011

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Love leaves relationships when we leave love. Love leaves relationships when we overlook how we leave love.

 We leave love by holding onto ideas of our partner and of our relationship
that close our heart with a wall of fear.

 Clinging to ideas about what others have done or may do that disturbs you locks you into threatening visions that remove your love from relationships.

 Your mind then relates with the vision as the reality and begins relating with the other as an enemy, in a state of unhappy conflict.

This, in turn, causes the other to feel insecure and become defensive. Then both parties leave love and hide their hearts behind protective barriers of fear.

Conflict in love relationships

Insecurity steals our love from relationships and it often hides behind critical reactions of annoyance, impatience, frustration and rage.

 In a long term relationship, critically, fearfully thinking about our partner
can become a deeply and strongly rooted habit.

 When you take responsibility for your critical, insecure thought and feeling patterns you can begin to let them go. Gradually, you can withdraw your energy from the habitual fear-patterns that would otherwise withdraw your love from relationships.

 As you do this you will discover that love is a safe “place” to be.

 But the insecurity that steals our love from relationships is not always obvious.  It hides behind critical reactions of annoyance, impatience, frustration and rage. 

 The more anger one lives in, the more insecure one feels.

 Fear is why we can only change our angry, critical patterns gradually. We are afraid to let go, afraid to open our hearts. The key to returning love to our relationships is to take tiny “baby†steps toward liberation.

Each time that you engage, or re-engage, in a critical, angry emotional reaction you feed your fear-to-love-habit and it grows stronger. 

Every moment that you release yourself from the habit by letting go of the critical thought and feeling that expresses it, the habit weakens and sets your love free.

Though this practice, you will soon find yourself more quickly recognizing when you are leaving love in your relationships, and more quickly and easily let that love-blockage go.

Gradually free yourself from your heart-departures by GENTLY withdrawing small degrees of energy from that reaction.  You can do this by:

  • Speaking a little softer,
  • Releasing some of your tension
  • Taking a breath to calm yourself just a bit
  • Letting go of the critical thought that triggers your rejection of love.

 Each time you do this, the grip of insecurity weakens, releasing more energy for love to return and grow in your relationships.

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Don’t Be Misled By Success Secrets

By Bob Lancer
Monday, January 24th, 2011

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Free your mind from negative to think positive

Switching from negative to positive thinking is not as effortless as it might seem.

One danger of the success secrets movement is that it often makes success sound too easy.   Then, when things don’t change that easily, individuals may feel so disappointed that they give up trying to improve their circumstances.

While it’s true, for instance, that visualizing what you want draws it to you, and holding onto a thought about what you do NOT want brings more of that into your life, switching from negative to positive thinking is not as effortless as it might seem.

How we think is habitual, and we can change long-standing habits by only small degrees at a time. Making major change requires long-term discipline. 

The success secrets movement also often misleads by overlooking the crucial practice of self-awareness.  So much of a person’s negative thinking goes on UNCONSCIOUSLY, and one cannot change what one is not aware of.

 Until one becomes sufficiently self-aware, one confuses troubling thoughts about life, self, others and situations with the reality those thoughts represent. And this makes one’s problems seem inescapable.

 Whatever you think is just a mental projection.

The longer you hold onto a disturbing mental projection, the more powerful and dominating
you make it.

 Another way that success secrets often mislead is by overlooking the critical, causal relationship between thought and emotion. For example, when you feel angry, thinking fixates on what makes you angry. When desire is triggered, thoughts fixate on what you want to be true, blinding you to costs and dangers.

Practice being aware of your thinking, emotion, mood, attitude and desire in the present.  This will help you to avoid fixating, and thereby empowering the negative thinking that produces what you do NOT want in your life.

 You CAN apply success secrets to soar into the highest levels of accomplishment you can imagine by practicing more self-awareness and remaining committed for the long-term.

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The Non-Reactive Way To Success

By Bob Lancer
Monday, January 17th, 2011

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Learn to control your reactions

Your key to success is to align your response with what you want to accomplish

The non-reactive way to success is the most direct way to success.

When you react, you are being triggered off into a way that diverts your course away from your true goals.  In fact, the more reactive one is, the less successful and satisfied that individual must feel.

To the extent that you feel dissatisfied, unsuccessful or stuck, you are experiencing the results of reactivity.  The way out of failure and the way to more success, is through NON-reactivity.

When you react your response are not based on clear and
accurate perception of your situation.

The opposite of reacting is calmly and patiently considering your situation in order to come up with a response that aligns with what you really want to accomplish – your way to success.

Under the influence of an automatic, habitual, emotional reaction we lose touch with our deeper self.  We lash out, sink into despair, or waste energy in other ways.

When you react, you recreate the same old problems because you are living in the same old way.

Instead of reacting, be responsive by choosing what you say, think, feel
and do in line with what you want to create in your life.

Only when you feel calm can you:

  1. Sense the deeper goals you most deeply desire to achieve
  2. Accurately perceive what is happening
  3. Realize how to think, feel, speak and act here and now for the results you really want.

A reaction is a trigger-response based on hasty observation,
superficial judgment and poor reasoning.

Reacting re-creates what you do not want. Create more of what you do want by responding.

Shift from reacting to responding through the practice of being more self-aware in the present.  As you notice yourself falling into a reaction pattern can you begin withdrawing your energy from it, leaving you with more energy to invest in more conscious, constructive responses. This is your way to more success.

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Improve Child Behavior With Peace

By Bob Lancer
Tuesday, January 11th, 2011

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Perhaps the most common and easiest mistake to make in how we respond to child behavior is attempting to correct with a stressful, impatient reaction.

While blurting out a direction in stress seems instinctive, there is a far more effective way of leading child behavior.  And though it requires overcoming our first instinct and replacing it with a more conscious and intentional response, it IS possible and it proves far healthier for both parent and child.

For more success and fulfillment with your child,
practice disciplining with peace.

Peace works best for several reasons:

1.      As you maintain your peace and poise when you feel tempted to lose it, you model a higher level of self-control for your child.

Deal patiently with child behavior

Keep your calm when dealing with child behavior problems

2.      As you maintain your calm, you radiate a calming influence upon your child (and calm promotes thoughtful, responsible, and compassionate child behavior)

3.      Your peace and poise provides you with access to your finest judgment, so that you can choose a response that best matches your child’s needs for healthy, happy, wonderful behavior.

4.      Maintaining your peace and poise is far more satisfying than putting yourself through the painful strain of frustration and impatience.

5.      Maintaining your peace and poise conserves your energy, energy that would be quickly drained by an intense emotional reaction (and you when you feel drained your ability to make the best decisions and demonstrate your highest level of skill in ANY area – including parenting – is compromised; which means your level of results must be lower)

Disciplining with peace does not mean passiveness.  It means practicing staying calm while you take whatever actions seem appropriate to you.  The more you practice disciplining with peace, the stronger will grow you ability, the happier and calmer both you and your child will feel, and the more marvelous child behavior you will see.

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Love And Child Development

By Bob Lancer
Tuesday, January 4th, 2011

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Healthy child development

Healthy child development depends on love and understanding

All sane parents want child development for their children. We want our children to be the most competent, successful human beings possible. That desire for our children expresses our love for them.  Or does it?

Sometimes a parent may want a child to shine to satisfy the parent’s desire to shine.

A parent who wants his child to perform at a high level may be unconscious of the self-serving nature of that motivation.

Here are some common signs of this selfish motivation for child development:

•       The parent demonstrates pushiness to advance the child’s performance in any area, including school, sports, musical training, etc.

•       The parent’ expresses impatience, frustration, criticism or complaining when the child’s performance level is lower than expected or desired.

Basically, when a parent treats a child’s performance level as more important than how the child feels about himself, his relationship with his parents, and his life the parent is making the child’s
performance too important.

A child may push himself to achieve at high levels under the pressure of insecurity, but the toll that takes can prove dangerous.  The overly pressured child tends to:

•       Experience unhealthy levels of anxiety

•       Experience dangerous levels of self-loathing when her performance disappoints

•       Fall prone to drug or alcohol abuse at an early age as a means of escaping the painful sense of pressure

•       Fall for the temptation to use underhanded ways to appear more successful, like cheating

•       Feel a deep sense of emptiness no matter how much she accomplishes

•       Become overly dependent upon winning others’ approval, to the extent that he makes choices aimed at pleasing everyone but himself

•       Never feel worthy enough for love to enjoy a genuine, loving relationship, and thus suffer from a deep sense of loneliness.

Ironically, for child development, children need to feel secure about their parents’ unconditional love.

Being sensitive to your child’s deeper feelings
is essential for healthy child development.

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Solve Your Problems With Positive Thinking

By Bob Lancer
Wednesday, September 8th, 2010

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positive thinking

Positive thinking holds the key to any solution

Positive thinking is really the solution to any problem, because all of our problems exist only in our minds.

Does that sound impossible? Consider this. If you had no thought in your mind of any problem at all, you would experience a condition that we can call “problem free”.

You experience a problem only as long as you continue thinking about what you do NOT want. As long as you want problems, continue thinking about them. But when you are ready for solutions, it’s time for positive thinking.

A solution is a positive thought, is it not? You conceive of a solution when you imagine how things can work out well.  That is essentially what positive thinking is: imagining things turning out wonderfully.

Many of us mistakenly presume that the way to leave a problem behind is to hold onto it all the time!  But the first step to leaving a problem is to let go of the thoughts that create it. You need space in your mind for your solution to arrive.

Your thought of a problem is really just a sign that it is time to focus on a solution. It is time to direct the creative process of your mind. Do this by letting go of your problem mentally, and then keeping an open mind, trusting that your solution will come.  it will!

A negative thought is a thought of what you do not want in your life. As long as you think of a condition you do not want, you feel stuck in it.

As you practice staying aware of your mind’s activities you gain mastery over your thinking. Turn negative thinking into positive thinking by focusing your mind on what you want. And pay close attention to the present to see and to seize your opportunities.

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Your Self-Help Power: A Key To Success

By Bob Lancer
Wednesday, September 8th, 2010

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Self-help power is perhaps the single most important key to success.  Self-help power is your power to help yourself.

Think positive

Positive thoughts are powerful tools for self help

The more you blame and complain about others or circumstances, the more self-help power you lose, and the more your life seems to spin out of control.

The more you focus on what you do to cause what happens to you, the more self-help power you can access and the more effectively you can direct your own life.

We all need help from others, be we can all do more to help ourselves. Concentrate on how you can be more effective and efficient in all that you do and you will find better things happening to you.

You create your experiences. You create your problems and your solutions.  You create your obstacles and your opportunities. As long as you focus on how others set you up or let you down, though, you overlook what you do to produce your own disappointments.

To become as successful as you can be, you must fully access your total self-help power.  To do this, shift the focus of your attention away from how others cause your problems, and look for how you create what’s happening to you.

Let’s say that you feel annoyed at the way someone has treated you. As long as you think of what that person has done, you continue feeling upset. But if you shift the focus of your attention onto what you are doing, you soon realize that you are making yourself upset by thinking about that person.

Thought is a mighty power that is largely out of control for most people.  Each time that you exercise conscious control over your thinking, though, your ability to direct your thinking grows stronger.

Whatever seems to be going wrong in your life, whatever you want to achieve, direct your attention o how you are creating what is happening to you, and what you can do to access your self-help power to improve your situation.

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A Root Of Behavior Problems

By Bob Lancer
Wednesday, September 8th, 2010

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Child behavior problems often stem from the way that a parent attempts to lead, direct or control the child.

When a parent directs a child to, say, pick up after himself, if it is to support the child’s development of a natural, easy tendency to demonstrate responsible self-discipline, a healthy sense of order and a sturdy foundation of self-reliance, it still may require some coaxing. But the child is more prone to cooperate because the direction is consistent with the child’s natural instinct to survive and thrive in the world.

Child behavior problems

Behavior problems hamper child development

Just being aware of the developmental benefits
that you are attempting to impart to your child
will make guiding your child’s behavior easier.

Child behavior problems fester when the parent’s intention is to control the child for the sake of the parent’s personal satisfaction, without regard for the child’s developmental interests. When parents enforce obedience for the sake of obedience, they develop in the child a blindness or a numbness to the child’s inner sense of life-wisdom. This causes the child to feel lost, confused and out of control, prompting increasingly serious behavior problems.

Your child is naturally programmed to succeed in life, but how you relate with your child may either support or thwart this programming. The appropriate goal of child discipline is not to make the child blindly obedient to the authority of the parent, but to help the child cultivate, recognize and heed the authority of his or her own inner sense of responsibility for healthy, happy success in life.

Nature programs children to diligently pursue the development of the strengths, skills and knowledge they need to succeed. The parent’s role is to facilitate this natural programming in the best interest of the child. The more consistently a parent does this, the more the child’s behavior problems dissolve into demonstrations of beautiful cooperation and personal responsibility.

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Your Child Development Discipline Solution

By Bob Lancer
Wednesday, September 8th, 2010

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Develop your child’s greatest potential

Child development urge drives your child

Within your child exists a natural pattern of child development. Like the growth pattern in the seed of every flower and plant, in your child’s core exists a growth pattern for the blossoming of your child’s greatest potential, not just to survive but to beautifully thrive in the world.

This pattern causes children to naturally crave the guidance and direction that helps them develop the abilities and strengths they will need to “make it” in the world.

Just as nature drives flowers and plants to fulfill their glorious potential, the child development urge drives your child, from deep within, to fulfill his glorious potential. (This may in fact be the child’s most powerful motivating force, for it is a natural expression of life.)

To the extent that we thwart or oppose this child development urge, we stifle the child’s motivation to survive and thrive and may even turn that urge into a self-destructive force.

The more your attempts at directing your child’s behavior align with your child’s real developmental needs, the more willingly your child will cooperate and the more your child will make responsible choices on her own.

But when we attempt to control or direct a child to satisfy our own personal desires, irrespective of what the child actually needs to develop for healthy, happy life-success, we reverse the child’s drive to develop turn it into the drive to defy and rebel.

Ignoring or not being sufficiently tuned in to the child’s development creates behavior problems and parenting frustrations. To the extent that your direction and correction work with a child’s healthy development, the child “listens” extremely well.

So the next time that you are about to issue a direction or correction, first consider if it is really about child development or if it is just about pleasing yourself.

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Improve Your Child’s Behavior Through Awareness

By Bob Lancer
Sunday, August 29th, 2010

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Any anger that you exhibit in response to your child’s behavior works against you and against your child.

To find this out for yourself, closely observe how your child responds, in subtle and obvious ways, to your expressions of anger, frustration, impatience, annoyance and exasperation.

You will soon observe, through your child’s facial expressions, body language, and through your child’s behavior, that your angry reactions lower your child’s self-esteem and self-confidence and causes your child’s behavior to worsen.

Also notice how your angry reactions to your child’s behavior impact you. You will find that they drain you of energy, lower your morale, make parenting unpleasant (if not torturous at times), and makes you more irritable and less effective in every other area of your life, including marriage. If you react with anger on a routine basis you will also see that it negatively impacts your health.

Anger creates behavior problems

Irresponsible angry responses can lead to behavior problems

Once you recognize that your reaction is not working, you can change it. But changing your behavior requires that you first take total responsibility for it. As long as you blame your child, or your child’s behavior, for the way that you behave, you continue giving your child the power to make you react.

As long as you believe that you have no choice but to react in the same old way to the same old problems, your belief keeps you trapped in those old reactions, and those old reactions keep re-creating the same old problems.

Improving your response to your child’s behavior begins with taking total responsibility for your responses and maintaining the open-minded attitude that you can always find a better way.

To begin improving the quality of your experience and your results in parenting, reject any belief that tells you that you cannot change, or that you need your child’s behavior to change before you can change what you do and how you feel about your child’s behavior.

So the most important key is to be aware in the now. You have to notice what you are doing, how you are feeling, and even what you are believing in the present moment to make better choices for better results.

As you become more aware of how you are responding to your child’s behavior, and to the results of those responses, you will find ways to improve your child’s behavior and your parenting experiences.

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