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End The Exhaustion Of Parenting Your Children

By Bob Lancer
Monday, January 24th, 2011

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Parenting our children is exhausting. But have you ever paused to consider what makes it so exhausting?

 We usually presume that what makes parenting children so taxing is how our children behave.  And there is no doubt that managing child behavior presents one of life’s most difficult challenges.

As long as we regard our children’s behavior as the cause of our strain and drain, however, we make ourselves overly dependent upon our children and give up our power to improve our time with them.

 How you expend your energy, and how much of your energy that you expend, is as much up to you as how you spend your money. 
After all, it’s your energy, and what you do with
it is your responsibility.

Accepting responsibility for exhausting yourself through the ways that you manage child behavior is the first step for better managing of your energy in parenting.  Our children are not responsible for how we exhaust ourselves through the ways that we interact with them.

parenting children

Our children are not responsible for how we exhaust ourselves through the ways that we interact with them.

 The next step to ending the exhaustion of parenting is to understand how you spend your energy. You expend energy with every:

  •  thought you think
  • emotional reaction you engage in
  • word you speak
  • action you take. 

The more intense your actions and reactions, the more energy you expend.

Also, the more discordant, disturbed or distressing your emotional state, and the more you rush, the more energy you burn and the more quickly you burn it.

By practicing parenting in a more calm and conscious mode, paying closer attention to your own actions and reactions in the present,
you will become more selective and less wasteful
in your energy expenditures.

You will therefore be able to gradually find ways of functioning more efficiently (in terms of your energy), and suffer less drain and strain in parenting your children as a result.

Receive your FREE Parenting Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

Relationship Advice: Cultivate Non-Reactivity

By Bob Lancer
Tuesday, January 18th, 2011

Receive your FREE Relationship Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

Among the most important pieces of relationship advice that one can find helps one to recognize and release from distressing automatic reactivity.

When you react with any form of irritation, you give yourself a stressful experience. But if you are not self-aware enough, you will presume the other person causes your reaction and resent that person for how disturbed your reaction makes you feel. Resentment then drives you into conflict, which increases your feeling of disturbance.

As long as you regard others as responsible for your responses,
you deprive yourself of your power to improve your responses
and miss your opportunity for more success and satisfaction in relationships.

relationship advice for genuine liberation

When you react with any form of irritation, you give yourself a stressful experience

If you feel stuck in a relationship problem, the perspective of the relationship advice presented here makes the cause clear:

•       You are repeating a painful a reaction pattern

•       You are blaming the other person for your reaction

Cultivating non-reactivity is one great solution. Following this relationship advice does not mean repressing how you feel. It means attaining genuine liberation from the painful reaction-patterns that make relationships difficult.

As you liberate more and more of your energy from your old, painful reactions you will no longer feel stuck in a relationship problem.

To cultivate non-reactivity and achieve your liberation:

•       See your reactions as experiences you give to yourself.

•       Practice being more self-aware in the present to recognize when you are slipping into a stressful, disturbing reaction.

•       When you realize that you are experiencing an unpleasant reaction, focus your attention on your present experience of that reaction, without thinking of any person or situation as the cause.

•       From that state of self-awareness you will find that you can gradually withdraw your energy from your disturbed reaction and experience more peace.

Following this relationship advice will gradually free you from the suffering caused by stressful reactivity.

Receive your FREE Relationship Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

The Non-Reactive Way To Success

By Bob Lancer
Monday, January 17th, 2011

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Learn to control your reactions

Your key to success is to align your response with what you want to accomplish

The non-reactive way to success is the most direct way to success.

When you react, you are being triggered off into a way that diverts your course away from your true goals.  In fact, the more reactive one is, the less successful and satisfied that individual must feel.

To the extent that you feel dissatisfied, unsuccessful or stuck, you are experiencing the results of reactivity.  The way out of failure and the way to more success, is through NON-reactivity.

When you react your response are not based on clear and
accurate perception of your situation.

The opposite of reacting is calmly and patiently considering your situation in order to come up with a response that aligns with what you really want to accomplish – your way to success.

Under the influence of an automatic, habitual, emotional reaction we lose touch with our deeper self.  We lash out, sink into despair, or waste energy in other ways.

When you react, you recreate the same old problems because you are living in the same old way.

Instead of reacting, be responsive by choosing what you say, think, feel
and do in line with what you want to create in your life.

Only when you feel calm can you:

  1. Sense the deeper goals you most deeply desire to achieve
  2. Accurately perceive what is happening
  3. Realize how to think, feel, speak and act here and now for the results you really want.

A reaction is a trigger-response based on hasty observation,
superficial judgment and poor reasoning.

Reacting re-creates what you do not want. Create more of what you do want by responding.

Shift from reacting to responding through the practice of being more self-aware in the present.  As you notice yourself falling into a reaction pattern can you begin withdrawing your energy from it, leaving you with more energy to invest in more conscious, constructive responses. This is your way to more success.

Receive your FREE Advice for your success through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

Positive Discipline Through Non-Reactive Parenting

By Bob Lancer
Monday, January 17th, 2011

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Positive discipline

Exercise self control to ensure positive discipline when parenting children

Positive discipline leads a child into a positive attitude and responsible behavior.

We can define negative child discipline as disciplinary efforts that may or may not stifle the child’s disturbing behavior for the moment, but does in fact lead the child into a more negative attitude and more irresponsible self-conduct.

No parent wants to mislead her child through negative discipline, but not understanding what it takes to achieve positive discipline leads to that sad result.

Essentially, the difference between negative and positive discipline comes down to the level of a parent’s self-control.  The greater your self-control, the better you are at positive discipline.

The specific form of self-control needed for positive discipline can be described as non-reactive parenting.  To apply non-reactive parenting means that your responses to your child’s behavior are not run by your habitual emotional reaction-patterns. Instead, before reacting:

  1. You recognize the need your child’s behavior is expressing
  2. Then you consciously and intentionally respond in line with that need for the results you really want.

When you react to your child’s behavior your child has “pressed one of your buttons”. Instead of basing your response on a clear and accurate sense of what your child really needs, you “lose it” and either lash out (if you feel angry) or you may jump into excessive subservience or giving in.

A reaction is a trigger-response and not a reliable way of directing events in line with your objectives.

Non-reactive parenting means that you refrain from responding until you have a clear sense of what your child really needs and what you want your response to accomplish. This practice is central to positive discipline.

The more that you react to your child’s behavior, you more you are bound to experience a growing sense of powerlessness, futility, and perhaps even inadequacy.  This is because reaction-parenting is like driving a car at top speed while you are blindfolded.  You have the potential to see where you are going, but you are not accessing it.

To free yourself (and your child) from the negative consequences of reactive parenting:

Parenting children with positive discipline

One thumb rule of positive non-reactive parenting is to understand what your child really needs

  1. Notice when you react to your child in an automatic, thoughtless, habitual way.
  2. When you notice that happening, step back from the reaction, figuratively speaking, to more calmly and patiently consider your child’s needs in the present.
  3. As you sense what your child actually needs from you in the present for healthy, happy, responsible behavior, act upon that.

For instance, when your child lies, your instant reaction-impulse might want you to scold him. But more calmly, patiently observing your child might reveal to you that he is simply demonstrating his creativity and needs a more compassionate response from you to avoid shutting down that marvelous ability.

As you shift out of reaction-parenting you will find your way
into more
positive discipline for more success and satisfaction
in your relationship with your child.

Receive your FREE Parenting Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

Improve Child Behavior With Peace

By Bob Lancer
Tuesday, January 11th, 2011

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Perhaps the most common and easiest mistake to make in how we respond to child behavior is attempting to correct with a stressful, impatient reaction.

While blurting out a direction in stress seems instinctive, there is a far more effective way of leading child behavior.  And though it requires overcoming our first instinct and replacing it with a more conscious and intentional response, it IS possible and it proves far healthier for both parent and child.

For more success and fulfillment with your child,
practice disciplining with peace
.

Peace works best for several reasons:

1.      As you maintain your peace and poise when you feel tempted to lose it, you model a higher level of self-control for your child.

Deal patiently with child behavior

Keep your calm when dealing with child behavior problems

2.      As you maintain your calm, you radiate a calming influence upon your child (and calm promotes thoughtful, responsible, and compassionate child behavior)

3.      Your peace and poise provides you with access to your finest judgment, so that you can choose a response that best matches your child’s needs for healthy, happy, wonderful behavior.

4.      Maintaining your peace and poise is far more satisfying than putting yourself through the painful strain of frustration and impatience.

5.      Maintaining your peace and poise conserves your energy, energy that would be quickly drained by an intense emotional reaction (and you when you feel drained your ability to make the best decisions and demonstrate your highest level of skill in ANY area – including parenting – is compromised; which means your level of results must be lower)

Disciplining with peace does not mean passiveness.  It means practicing staying calm while you take whatever actions seem appropriate to you.  The more you practice disciplining with peace, the stronger will grow you ability, the happier and calmer both you and your child will feel, and the more marvelous child behavior you will see.

Receive your FREE Parenting Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

A Creative Key To Success

By Bob Lancer
Monday, January 10th, 2011

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Perhaps the greatest key to success is realizing that you are a creator. You create your destiny through what you think, feel, say and do.

Key to success

Key to success is realizing that you are a creator

Therefore, carefully choose your responses to what happens, instead of blindly reacting, because how you respond to what happens determines what will happen to you. This applies to every area of your life, including your economy.

You are the creator of your economic destiny. If you listen to news reports, or the complaints of others, you may become confused about this.

Don’t let anyone talk you into discouragement. In any economy there are opportunities. There are those who prosper greatly. You can be one of them.

To apply the great creative key to success presented here, remember this: The more economical you are with the creative power of your thoughts, feeling, speech, action and attention, the more economically successful you are bound to be.

Consciously and intentionally direct your thinking, feeling, speaking and acting in line with the economic results you want. Notice what you are paying attention to, because your life follows the direction of your attention.

Worrying about your economic fate is one of the most common ways of misusing your creative power to direct our own economy.

If you worry about a situation that means that you want a certain outcome but you fear that it may not happen.

Yet worrying focuses your thoughts on where you do not want to go, and it generates feelings that create more havoc in your life.

And the more you worry, the more you develop a worry habit, meaning that whatever happens, you are going to be more likely to worry about what may happen.

A Creative Key to Success: For more of what you want tomorrow,
begin letting go of your worry habit today.

Receive your FREE Advice for your success through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

Enjoy A Healthy Relationship

By Bob Lancer
Monday, January 10th, 2011

Receive your FREE Relationship Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

A healthy relationship means that you function within it in a healthy way. When you relate with much nervousness, anxiety, frustration or other forms of emotional strain, it harms your health.

This does not necessarily make the relationship unhealthy, but rather, your way of relating.

Relationship advice

Refrain from thinking, speaking and acting under stress to keep your love and relationships healthy.

When you feel in the grips of a stressful emotional reaction, here is a healthy way of dealing with it. Refrain from:

•       Thinking

•       Speaking

•       Acting

in ways that increase your stress.

Just allow your stressful feelings to be there.
Let them flow without holding onto them
and without holding them back.

You may need to take some time for solitude to permit yourself to fully feel how you feel without the burden of having to interact during that difficult time.

You will soon return to a more calm state of harmony and engage with others in a healthy way.

Just as, for a healthy relationship, you may not need to leave relationship – feeling dissatisfied in a relationship does not necessarily mean that you have to leave the relationship for fulfillment.  You can leave your dissatisfaction first.

Until we are conscious enough of our thoughts and feelings, we unconsciously project their cause outside ourselves.

And yet, our critical thoughts and feelings about others
are internal conditions that we give ourselves.

Examine your thoughts and feelings more closely to discover that no one “makes” you feel dissatisfied, and you can let dissatisfaction go.

If you habitually focus on what another does that bothers you, you hold onto your disturbed feelings and blame the other for how you feel.

So before criticizing or complaining about the other person, pay more attention to yourself to notice how you are giving yourself unpleasant experience.

From there you can release yourself for a healthy, happy relationship experience.

Receive your FREE Relationship Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

Relationship Help: Beware of Manipulation

By Bob Lancer
Friday, January 7th, 2011

Receive your FREE Relationship Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

Often, people who seek relationship help expect to find relationship tips for getting someone else to change in some way.

The fact is that there really is no sane or healthy way to “make” people to do something they don’t want to do.

Begging, nagging, bribing, enticing or intimidating may drive someone into “caving in” to your will or wishes for a very short term basis and on a very superficial level, but then you have to continue doing this for control, which traps YOU into patterns of behavior that you do not want to endure.

To achieve the fulfillment that you want in a relationship, help yourself by no longer struggling to change others. Regard yourself as the creator of your relationship experiences.

What YOU say, think, feel and do
determines what happens to you.

Relationship help and advice

Here’s real relationship help: remember that trust is one of your greatest creative powers.

How others relate with you is life’s reactions to your actions. In relationships, as in every other area of life, you can achieve all of the success and fulfillment that your heart desires.  It happens to as you direct YOUR creative forces in line with what you really want.

The downside of manipulation is that you soon find yourself right back at it, and because we reap what we sow, you also soon find yourself being the object of other people’s efforts to manipulate you.

The more you criticize and complain about others, the more you find to criticize and complain about.

Keep your heart and mind open to the possibility that you can
experience the fulfillment of your heart’s desire.

Never accept for one moment the notion that you must be deprived on any level. Here’s real relationship help: remember that trust is one of your greatest creative powers.

Receive your FREE Relationship Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

Personal Development Equals Greater Success

By Bob Lancer
Tuesday, January 4th, 2011

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personal development success secret

Instead of hoping, waiting, or worrying, put yourself to work and pursue your personal development

Higher levels of success in your life requires your personal development, and your personal development involves liberation from habitual patterns.

Because your life is the product of what you do, you need to change what you do to change your results. If this does not represent your basic attitude toward success, your attitude
is one thing you need to change.

Many seem to regard themselves as a victim of their circumstances or of other people without even realizing it.

You might hear them say things like, “The reason that so many people are out of a job in the U.S. is because corporations go outside of the U.S. to hire workers for less.”

That is certainly one way to look at things, but it is not a way that really works for anyone.

We each individually need to regard ourselves as the creators of our own levels of success in life.

If you have a skill and an employer lets you go, you can actually find yourself even more successful by going into business for yourself or with one or more partners.

To make it at the highest levels you need to:

  • Develop your abilities and knowledge to the utmost.
  • Learn how to turn what you can do into a successful business.

If you are out of a job, HIRE YOURSELF!

One of changes you may need to make for your personal development is the habitual tendency to blame others or your circumstances for your problems. To liberate yourself from this self-defeating habitual mindset for greater success begins with being self-aware enough to notice when you are falling into it.

When you notice yourself expressing that overly dependent attitude:
Shift into thinking about the skills and knowledge and relationships you need to build to be more successful.

Instead of hoping, waiting, or worrying, put yourself to work and pursue your personal development.

Receive your FREE Advice for your success through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

Love And Child Development

By Bob Lancer
Tuesday, January 4th, 2011

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Healthy child development

Healthy child development depends on love and understanding

All sane parents want child development for their children. We want our children to be the most competent, successful human beings possible. That desire for our children expresses our love for them.  Or does it?

Sometimes a parent may want a child to shine to satisfy the parent’s desire to shine.

A parent who wants his child to perform at a high level may be unconscious of the self-serving nature of that motivation.

Here are some common signs of this selfish motivation for child development:

•       The parent demonstrates pushiness to advance the child’s performance in any area, including school, sports, musical training, etc.

•       The parent’ expresses impatience, frustration, criticism or complaining when the child’s performance level is lower than expected or desired.

Basically, when a parent treats a child’s performance level as more important than how the child feels about himself, his relationship with his parents, and his life the parent is making the child’s
performance too
important.

A child may push himself to achieve at high levels under the pressure of insecurity, but the toll that takes can prove dangerous.  The overly pressured child tends to:

•       Experience unhealthy levels of anxiety

•       Experience dangerous levels of self-loathing when her performance disappoints

•       Fall prone to drug or alcohol abuse at an early age as a means of escaping the painful sense of pressure

•       Fall for the temptation to use underhanded ways to appear more successful, like cheating

•       Feel a deep sense of emptiness no matter how much she accomplishes

•       Become overly dependent upon winning others’ approval, to the extent that he makes choices aimed at pleasing everyone but himself

•       Never feel worthy enough for love to enjoy a genuine, loving relationship, and thus suffer from a deep sense of loneliness.

Ironically, for child development, children need to feel secure about their parents’ unconditional love.

Being sensitive to your child’s deeper feelings
is essential for healthy
child development.

Receive your FREE Parenting Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.