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Are You In A Good Relationship?

By Bob Lancer
Wednesday, February 16th, 2011

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It’s not always easy to tell if you are in a good relationship.

are you in a bad or good love relationship?

To know whether you are in a bad or good relationship you first have to be clear about how you define a good relationship

To know whether you are in a bad or good relationship you first have to be clear about how you define a good relationship.

If you define a good relationship as one that always satisfies your desires and inspires your feelings of appreciation, you actually doom yourself to a bad relationship.

Every relationship has its ups and downs. If you need to feel up all the time to regard yours as a good relationship, you are overlooking the fact that there is great, great good available in our challenges.

For instance, one common source of dissatisfaction in relationships is the feeling that the other person feels resentment toward you. In response to this feeling, you might resent that other person.

If you examine your feelings honestly, you will realize that any feeling of resentment that you experience, whomever you believe or imagine the source to be, exists within you.  It is YOUR state of resentment.

As long as you CHOOSE to live in a state of resentment you are CHOOSING to live without love.

If you regard another person as the cause of how you feel, you blame someone else
for the negative feelings that you choose to live in.

How you feel about ANYONE is really a choice.  It has nothing to do with how another may feel or act.

Your feelings about another are a reaction
to the thoughts you hold in mind.

Instead of resenting another for resenting you, simply let go of your own feelings of resentment and you’ll begin feeling more free, happy and in love.

A person might believe that she is not in a good relationship based on the belief, feeling or idea that her mate resents her.  But the good of that relationship is the opportunity it gives her to wake up to how she resents herself, so she can finally release herself from that pattern.

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Posted in Wisie for Relationship |

Children’s Feelings And Behavior Problems

By Bob Lancer
Wednesday, February 16th, 2011

Receive your FREE Parenting Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

Child behavior problems don’t just happen. They can always be attributed to causes.

What we label “behavior problems” are behaviors that lead the child into difficulty, and/or which we simply find it difficult to deal with.

The “difficult” infant may be trying to us simply because we find the natural, instinctive ways of an infant hard for us to handle.

How we respond to a child’s behavior influences the child’s future behavior

Our lack of patience, understanding, and child-relationship skills may be the cause

We can create behavior problems by misreading what the child actually needs from us to develop more caring, orderly, responsible behavior.

How we respond to a child’s behavior influences
the child’s future behavior.

One way to avoid creating behavior problems or making them worse is to practice reading your child’s feelings.  This requires observing the child calmly and perceptively to sense the emotion expressing through the child’s face, gestures, movements, sounds and words.

If you repeatedly, harshly hurt a child’s feelings, deepening the child’s sadness and distrust in you, the child is bound to demonstrate increasingly challenging behavior problems. From the standpoint of child behavior, it doesn’t matter if you do this unintentionally.

For children to behave well they need
to feel basically secure.

One common cause of overlooking a child’s feelings is over-relying on words to understand the child.  Even with the most verbally skillful adults, 75% of communication occurs on a non-verbal level.  To adequately relate with anyone we need to look and listen for the non-verbal cues of the individual’s present emotional condition.

Another cause of overlooking a child’s feelings has to do with our automatic reactions to the child’s behavior.

Automatic reactions miss the signs that
convey what the child needs.

When a child defies our direction, does the opposite of what she knows we expect, creates a mess or confronts us with any other challenge, to avoid causing more severe behavior problems, we need to base our response on how the child is feeling.

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Tap The Power of Inspiring Thoughts

By Bob Lancer
Wednesday, February 9th, 2011

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inspirational thoughts give positive power

The purpose of thought is creation. You create what you think about.

Have you ever wondered where your inspiring thoughts come from?

Inspiring thoughts come from a center of deep inner peace.

Worrisome thinking arises from an anxious, nervous state.

Understanding the source of inspiring thoughts can help you choose your thoughts for positive power.

The purpose of thought is creation.
You create what you think about.
To choose your thoughts is to
choose your destiny.

Inspiring thoughts create conditions that you desire.

When you worry, your thinking forms possibilities you don’t want.

When you connect with inspiring thoughts you feel spiritually uplifted.

When you connect with worrisome thoughts you feel strained, drained and demoralized.

When you feel inspired by the idea of creating, say, a great work of art, or a great business, you can then form that idea into a goal and take action aimed at accomplishing that goal.

The inspiration you feel when you revisit that idea fuels your motivation to work, overcome obstacles and persevere through losses and difficulty.

Every moment you spend worrying, though, drains you of that motivation and leads you toward dreadful possibilities.

Since inspirational thoughts are more constructive than worry,
you would think that no one would choose worry.
And yet, we do make that choice.

We worry because we believe, either consciously or unconsciously, that we have no choice.  But we actually do have a choice.

You can shift out of a worried thought just as you can choose to think about a pink elephant, and then shift your thought to a blue elephant, at will.

To Shift From Worry To Inspiration

  • Take a few calming breaths, rest from activity, and ask yourself, “What would I love to bring about in my life?”
  • Follow that with a calm, quiet, inner openness and trust that an idea will come.
  • Your inspirational thoughts will soon begin to flow.

Receive your FREE Advice for your success through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

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Break Up Advice For Leavers

By Bob Lancer
Wednesday, February 9th, 2011

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Relationship advice on break up of a relationship

The way you end a relationship is really the beginning or the seed of the next relationship you enter.

One of the most important pieces of “break up advice” for leavers has to do with the relationship between endings and new beginnings.

More specifically, this “break up advice” pertains to the role of compassion and integrity in HOW you leave.

Of course out of a sheer sense of compassion and integrity you want to be kind and
considerate of the other’s feelings in the way you make your exit.
This break up advice should go without saying.

But a deeper understanding can help drive this break up advice home. When you repress your sense of compassion and integrity, it will eat away at you on some level, making you feel unworthy of love, respect, trust, happiness, health and success.  And when you feel unworthy of these, a part of you works at sabotaging them.

Beyond this, it is important to understand that how you end one relationship determines how your next relationship will go.

Essential Break Up Advice: Remember that if you behave in a dishonest, self-serving, cruel
or callous manner you are headed toward others who behave that way.

We attract the lessons we need to choose life-paths that express the utmost compassion and integrity.

You will attract into your life people and circumstances that bring you some form of suffering as a result of your selfish choices to teach you the truth that selfishness really does not work.

The way you end a relationship is really the beginning or the seed of the next relationship you enter.

Just as the seed contains the total potential of the plant it can become, your new relationship is bound to express the same level of selfishness that you expressed in ending your previous relationship.

The purpose of this “break up advice” is not to persuade you to remain in a relationship that you believe in your heart is truly over, but rather to clarify the importance of practicing
self-honesty every step of the way.

Receive your FREE Relationship Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

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Child Discipline Alternative To Saying “No”

By Bob Lancer
Wednesday, February 9th, 2011

Receive your FREE Parenting Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

Frustration and child discipline do not mix well

For easier child discipline, try telling your child HOW or WHEN she CAN do what she wants, instead of bluntly clashing against her will.

When it comes to child discipline, “no” does not always seem to work.

One reason for this is the natural, human tendency to go into denial.  When your child wants to do something, and you say “no”, a part of him that does not want to hear that, causing him to, perhaps unconsciously, pretend you did not say it.

But even when you have your child’s full attention, the word “no” may still not work well for you.  One reason for this is that it simply presents opposition, which will likely frustrate your child, and frustration and child discipline do not mix well.

One effective child discipline alternative to saying “no” is to redirect instead of merely to block.

Rather then simply saying “no” let your child know
what he CAN do instead.

For instance, if your child asks for a cookie, you might say, “You can have a cookie after you eat all of your lunch later.”

If your child wants to play outside, but it’s too dark out for you to allow it, instead of saying “no” you might say, “You can play outside only when it is light enough to be safe.”

If your child snatches something from her younger sister, instead of simply barking out, “no!” you might say, “You can play with that when she is done.”

By letting your child know what he CAN do, you diminish his natural resistance to opposition.

While it requires a bit more patience and self-control to replace your automatic “no” with a reasonable, positive response, it saves you the strain of a power-struggle.  It also helps your child to remain more calm and rational because children feel how we feel while we are with them.

For easier child discipline, try telling your child HOW or WHEN she CAN
do what she wants, instead of bluntly clashing against her will.

Receive your FREE Parenting Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

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Looking For Love Works

By Bob Lancer
Thursday, February 3rd, 2011

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looking for love

Based on the absolutely reliable law of life: seek and you will find, there is definitely wisdom in looking for love.

Based on the absolutely reliable law of life: seek and you will find, there is definitely wisdom in looking for love.

Time is all that separates seeking and finding, but we never really know for sure how long it will take us to find what – or who – we seek.

But we can trust in the fact that we shorten the time between seeking and finding the more we develop and apply our power of focus.

To find the love that you are looking for may require a great deal of perseverance.  Along the way to any goal of great importance to us, we need to be willing to pass through valleys of disappointment.

One key to successfully looking for love involves learning how to pass through disappointment.  And the vital element to bear in mind regarding this is passing through.

When we land in yet another disappointment, it’s all too easy to get stuck there. We get stuck in disappointment by keeping the idea of it in mind.  Whatever you focus upon, though, is where you are headed.  That is why looking for love works.

As long as you are anticipating disappointment you are not fully looking for love.  You are at least partially looking for lovelessness.

To find the love you are looking for, therefore, you need to free your focus from expectations of a replay of a sorrowful past episode in your love-life.

To do this, intentionally direct your focus to contemplate the experience of love that you want in your life.  The more you practice this, the clearer your love-goal grows and the more attuned you will be to recognize your opportunity for achieving it.

Looking for love with doubt that it can happen means that you are looking with a split focus. Doubting that you can achieve what you want keeps a part of your attention fixated on failure.

Look into your heart to feel, know and envision the love you want in your life.
Looking for the love you want works.

Receive your FREE Relationship Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

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The Success System Solution

By Bob Lancer
Thursday, February 3rd, 2011

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Success is a system. In other words, success is a result of a definite and reliable systematic approach to life.  When know the success system, achieving your goals in life is simply a matter of putting that system into action.

Your goals may not manifest right away or with total ease as you employ the success system, but as you invest more and more of your limitless power into the application of it, you will inevitably grow more and more successful.

Key to success lies in the success system

When know the success system, achieving your goals in life is simply a matter of putting that system into action.

One aspect of the success system involves the consistent practice of
Solution Consciousness.

To apply Solution Consciousness means that you focus on solutions instead of on problems.

Let’s say that your problem is your dissatisfaction with the amount of money you are making.  Focusing your mind on the financial condition that disturbs you is what we can call Problem Consciousness.

Focusing on problems just gives those problems more power over you.  This is because your power flows in the direction of your attention.  You draw you’re your life whatever you focus your attention on.

To shift your focus from your financial problem to your financial solution means that you are now empowering the solution to your problem and the experience of that solution expands in your life.

One way to shift from focusing on, and thereby reinforcing, your financial problem, onto focusing on, and thereby receiving your financial solution, is to simply ask yourself the question: “What would the solution to this problem look like?”

That question directs your mind out of the problem and toward the solution.  As you begin thinking about the solution, the condition that makes you feel content, relieved and grateful, your Solution Consciousness begins to dawn.

As you focus on what you want, there is no space in your mind to focus on what you don’t want.

Focusing on what you want is an essential aspect of
the success system.

Receive your FREE Advice for your success through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

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Positive Parental Involvement

By Bob Lancer
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011

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A sufficient quantity and quality of parental involvement is essential for a child’s healthy attitude and positive behavior.

A common cause of a child’s emotional and behavior problems stems from one or more of the following parental patterns:

  • The parent spends too little time with the child
  • The parent pays too little attention to the child
  • The quality of time spent with the child is marred by parental stress and strain

To even know how much time your child needs with you, you need to pay close enough attention to your child.

Positive parental involvement means that you are consciously present

Positive parental involvement means that you are consciously present, focused and sensitively aware of your child in the now


Perhaps a main reason why parents fall short in this area is because they don’t fully understand what it means to really spend time with a child.  Simply being in the same general area with a child does not constitute true parental involvement.

Positive parental involvement means that you are consciously present, focused and sensitively aware of your child in the now.  You are reading your child’s body language, voice tones and verbal communication (if your child is at a verbal stage) to recognize your child’s needs so you can respond accordingly.

Paying insufficient attention to a child allows the child to drift too far into troublesome emotional states and inappropriate behavior. The parent then involves himself with the child when the child’s behavior has become too outrageous to overlook, and then the involvement is characterized by harsh expressions of disapproval that sadden and antagonize the child, inciting even more problematic behavior.

Positive Parental Involvement Is More Pro-Active Than Reactive.

The parent observes the child before she drifts into trouble in order to recognize what the child needs to avoid emotional and behavior problems.

Positive parental involvement includes the parent’s ongoing dedication to the practice of the best possible self-control to avoid spoiling the quality of parental involvement with excessively critical, annoyed reactions that harm the parent-child relationship, make parenting more of a strain than it needs to be, and inevitably leads the child into more disturbing behavior.

As you bring positive parental involvement into your relationship with your child,
you and your child will both feel better and do better.

Receive your FREE Parenting Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

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Recapture Love In Your Relationships

By Bob Lancer
Thursday, January 27th, 2011

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Love leaves relationships when we leave love. Love leaves relationships when we overlook how we leave love.

 We leave love by holding onto ideas of our partner and of our relationship
that close our heart with a wall of fear.

 Clinging to ideas about what others have done or may do that disturbs you locks you into threatening visions that remove your love from relationships.

 Your mind then relates with the vision as the reality and begins relating with the other as an enemy, in a state of unhappy conflict.

This, in turn, causes the other to feel insecure and become defensive. Then both parties leave love and hide their hearts behind protective barriers of fear.

Conflict in love relationships

Insecurity steals our love from relationships and it often hides behind critical reactions of annoyance, impatience, frustration and rage.

 In a long term relationship, critically, fearfully thinking about our partner
can become a deeply and strongly rooted habit.

 When you take responsibility for your critical, insecure thought and feeling patterns you can begin to let them go. Gradually, you can withdraw your energy from the habitual fear-patterns that would otherwise withdraw your love from relationships.

 As you do this you will discover that love is a safe “place” to be.

 But the insecurity that steals our love from relationships is not always obvious.  It hides behind critical reactions of annoyance, impatience, frustration and rage. 

 The more anger one lives in, the more insecure one feels.

 Fear is why we can only change our angry, critical patterns gradually. We are afraid to let go, afraid to open our hearts. The key to returning love to our relationships is to take tiny “baby” steps toward liberation.

Each time that you engage, or re-engage, in a critical, angry emotional reaction you feed your fear-to-love-habit and it grows stronger. 

Every moment that you release yourself from the habit by letting go of the critical thought and feeling that expresses it, the habit weakens and sets your love free.

Though this practice, you will soon find yourself more quickly recognizing when you are leaving love in your relationships, and more quickly and easily let that love-blockage go.

Gradually free yourself from your heart-departures by GENTLY withdrawing small degrees of energy from that reaction.  You can do this by:

  • Speaking a little softer,
  • Releasing some of your tension
  • Taking a breath to calm yourself just a bit
  • Letting go of the critical thought that triggers your rejection of love.

 Each time you do this, the grip of insecurity weakens, releasing more energy for love to return and grow in your relationships.

Receive your FREE Relationship Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

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Don’t Be Misled By Success Secrets

By Bob Lancer
Monday, January 24th, 2011

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Free your mind from negative to think positive

Switching from negative to positive thinking is not as effortless as it might seem.

One danger of the success secrets movement is that it often makes success sound too easy.   Then, when things don’t change that easily, individuals may feel so disappointed that they give up trying to improve their circumstances.

While it’s true, for instance, that visualizing what you want draws it to you, and holding onto a thought about what you do NOT want brings more of that into your life, switching from negative to positive thinking is not as effortless as it might seem.

How we think is habitual, and we can change long-standing habits by only small degrees at a time. Making major change requires long-term discipline. 

The success secrets movement also often misleads by overlooking the crucial practice of self-awareness.  So much of a person’s negative thinking goes on UNCONSCIOUSLY, and one cannot change what one is not aware of.

 Until one becomes sufficiently self-aware, one confuses troubling thoughts about life, self, others and situations with the reality those thoughts represent. And this makes one’s problems seem inescapable.

 Whatever you think is just a mental projection.

The longer you hold onto a disturbing mental projection, the more powerful and dominating
you make it.

 Another way that success secrets often mislead is by overlooking the critical, causal relationship between thought and emotion. For example, when you feel angry, thinking fixates on what makes you angry. When desire is triggered, thoughts fixate on what you want to be true, blinding you to costs and dangers.

Practice being aware of your thinking, emotion, mood, attitude and desire in the present.  This will help you to avoid fixating, and thereby empowering the negative thinking that produces what you do NOT want in your life.

 You CAN apply success secrets to soar into the highest levels of accomplishment you can imagine by practicing more self-awareness and remaining committed for the long-term.

Receive your FREE Advice for your success through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

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